Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What Did I Do to P*ss You Off, Car Gods????

Here I am, trying to be a good daughter and wife and aunt and friend and all that, and this past weekend was just a cavalcade of one f**k-up after another!  I decided to go to Birmingham to tell Dad about  his fan club and since I was going to attend my brother-in-law's birthday party I also packed up a pile of stuff for my niece since she's becoming sort of a VintageChristine-ette and I love it that someone in my family actually wants old crap--I have a bunch of Mom's wedding silverplate that we had tried to sell when we opened up the antique mall booth but no one wants to pay what it's worth.  Of course now I'm banging holes in some of the pieces to make windchimes, but the really nice serveware is going to the family.  I also took I HEART George pendants for female family members and the book I just had printed with all my 2010 blog posts.
I "loaned" it to Dad but it's actually his to keep.  Oh, and friends--he was THRILLED TO DEATH with the fan club and would LOVE to receive fan mail from y'all!  He lives for the mail since he doesn't have access to a computer.

Then I hopped in the car along with my trusty doggie companion, Holly, and off we went, stopping first at Mickey D's for a bit of greasy sustenance and a "senior" coffee.  An hour out, I spilled the nice hot steaming coffee all down my right leg and for the NEXT hour went through all kinds of hilarious-if-you-saw-them-if-you-were-a-truck-driver contortions trying to keep my right leg above the seat to dry off while at the same time trying not to drive into a ditch and kill myself.  I reached Laurel, MS and (unbeknownst to my husband) took the off-ramp there to hit an estate sale.  Immediately thereafter, my car started making a horrible grinding grating I'M GOING TO EXPLODE noise and became almost impossible to steer.  I managed to get myself into a gas station parking lot and, hysterically called my husband.  We assumed our brand new one-month old $3,000 rebuilt by Aamco transmission had blown up so I got towed to the local Aamco garage where we discovered that the transmission was fine but a HUGE bolt holding the brake caliper thingie to the wheel had busted loose.  One of those things that the mechanic looks at and goes, "Wow, I've never seen THAT happen before!" and you feel just, oh I don't know, so darn proud of yourself and your vee-hickle.

So Mike drives up with the Dodge diesel pickup, I transfer all my crap and the dog, he drives back home with the stupid-looking doughnut tire on the car and I head on up to Birmingham.  Went to see Dad the next a.m., dropped off the box of goodies to my niece, and then decided that I really just wanted to go home after all the excitement yesterday.

By way of introduction to our truck, something is causing it to ding ding ding in an erratic fashion because there's a loose wire somewhere in its bowels that makes it think a lamp is out.  Which there's not.  There's no rhyme or reason or particular time this happens, but once it starts, the dinging is about on a par with the constantly yapping dog next door on the irritation scale.  Of course we've taken it to the dealer, they ran it through their computer, and of course found nothing wrong.  When we suggested that they just dismantle the warning bell, they reacted like this: "WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!", then did the sign of the cross, threw garlic at us and locked the door.  Well, of course I might be exaggerating a bit, but there is no way in hell anyone is going to stop the ding.  Apparently you can't just cut a wire--you have to basically get a whole new computer.


So, I'm merrily driving down the interstate, my stomach clenching everytime I hit a bump (which on Alabama roads is about every six inches or so) since that tends to set off the dinging, and of course it starts up.  Just one ding to start, then nothing for a mile or so, then another ding or two, then nothing, then ding ding ding ding ding ding ding, then nothing, then all hell breaks loose and it's like the truck is screaming, "I have aliens in my head and I can't get them out and it hurts like a muhfuh and ding ding ding ding ding!!!!!"

Then it stops and it's quiet for 40 miles.

And then, 20 miles outside of Laurel, MS (yes, that same Laurel, MS from yesterday), the truck jerks and gasps, the temperature gauge shoots into the stratosphere, I hear major grinding, my power steering and power brakes disappear, smoke starts pouring from the engine, and I assume that it's going to blow up and I silently say bye-bye to my dear husband.  I managed to get it into ANOTHER gas station parking lot, got out the cellphone, called you-know-who and said with the greatest of irony, "Honey, you won't BELIEVE what the f**k just happened."

Waited for an hour and a half for the towtruck and spent another hour and a half in gloomy pissed off silence as the driver got me home.  Turns out the waterpump had blown up, shredded the belt, punched holes in the fan and sprayed water/antifreeze everywhere (hence the smoke).  We had a replacement waterpump since Mike squirrels away things like that like I squirrel away Fenton glass so all we had to spend money on was a new belt and more antifreeze (the fan is still usable, it just looks like plastic-eating mice got at it).

Unfortunately the wheel wasn't so easy to replace but Mike found one online for $189--couldn't find one at any of the million and a half junkyards dotting the landscape down here. 

So that's how MY weekend went, my dear friends.  On the plus side, Dad is doing just GREAT and is looking forward to hearing more about his fan club.  If you'd like to drop him a line, send me an email so I can share his address. 

I've been meaning to share photos of my fabulous rain oil lamp (only took a year and a half to get it hung up) and a few other things, so now that I've completely zombiefied you with this tale of woe, here's some fabulousness!  This is a corner of my living room and I love the PBN's, sunburst clock, gravel art kitties, and my newest Jesus Knocking On The  Door light-up picture.  The rain oil lamp fits in perfectly!!

What's so cool is the oil beads march down perfectly one after the other.  Amazing!  Don't you just love Miss Naughtiness?

The Jesus Knocking At the Door is 3D!

Now, this is just the most awesome little lamp and it looks like it's right out of one of the greatest movies of all time, "Invaders From Mars".  Remember how those big goofy Martians would lumber around, then point their ray guns at a rock wall, fire, the wall would go all bubbly and then explode and they'd lumber on through.  That's exactly what this lamp reminds me of!  The shade is plastic but the legs are wood and it works.  Verrrrrrrrry cool.

I'm working on getting the pendants out to you guys so please be patient.  I had 13 left over after giving them out to my family and they're all spoken for BUT if you want one just let me know since I'm about to place another order with the fabulous Rachel.

And just in case you might be wondering about that last giveaway, I decided that sending someone a piece of broken glass, no matter how minor the crack, was just really not cool.  The orange bowl WAS won by Miss Barbara With The Hand Issues.  To make up for it, I'll be doing a giveaway for the Fan Club very soon.  Stay tuned, and thanks for hanging in there with moi!!!!!


  1. I am so sorry about your truck troubles. We had a big problem on Christmas night coming home. Six hundred dollars later - all fixed. Not smiling. I have had one of those "I've never seen that before" moments, too, in the past with my mail-delivery car - so I can relate with you on that one.
    On a different note - I was so tickled to see your lamp, because I had that same lamp (in the last picture) in turquoise when I was a teenager! I think my grandma gave it to me, and I kept it for a long time - and I really don't know what ever happened to it, but I wish I still had it. I'm not big on getting rid of stuff, so I can't imagine how I lost track of it.

  2. Oh gee, when money was soooo tight not too long ago and I was so desperately poor at the time, the car broke and *ching* $2,000 to fix. I cried because it was all the money I had saved from working a crap job I hated.

    I swear I've spent more on car repairs than cars I have owned!

    Sorry you had such a sucky weekend!!

    Love the lamp! Didn't Disneyland have a BIG oil lamp type deal at the end of one of those old rides, like the Ride Through Inner Space, after you got off the moving cars or whatever? Semms to me.... I remember one. I remember staring at it, sure it was there!

  3. Honey that was the weekend from Hell auto wise! Good side was that your Dad is doing great and you got to pass on some wonderful vintage stuff to family...Yay!! Love the rain oil lamp, such naughtiness! I am interested in having my blog printed into a book, where did you get yours done? hugs, Linda

  4. Hey, I resent that "Hand Issues" crack! It's actually my mental illness that caused my hand to freeze and I convinced the doctors that I willed my hand to break and manifest a tumor. So take that!! Ohm, ohm, ohm......I'm better now.

    As I sit here convulsing with laughter over your plight (welcome to MY world, baby) I literally lost it when you said "I have aliens in my head and I can't get them out and it hurts like a muhfuh and ding ding ding ding ding!!!!!" because that's how crap works in my life. Aliens must take over because sh*t literally falls from the sky during those times.

    At LEAST you have a HUSBAND who knows how to fix that stuff. I'd still be standing at the gas station whoring myself out trying to get it fixed!!

    Shoot me your dads address honey, I got loads of cards to send. Does he want pictures (or what we SAY are pictures of us) too?

    Oh, and that lamp is weird, but it so fits you!!

    I'm hoping to throw a box in the mail to you tomorrow of silly crap. Hope you dig it.

    love ya bunches,
    yer pal,

  5. Oh, and Jesus knocks? Who knew? I thought he just showed up like the Grim Reaper does. Interesting.

  6. Yow! That was a bad BAD weekend. Vehicle troubles are the worst...makes you feel way too vulnerable. It's better to just get in a crash and let the insurance company deal with it. (did I say that out loud?) Good thing Jesus is knocking on your door - he always has good news!

  7. I really dislike depending on cars. I hope we get that bullet train here in California someday and the public transportation improves so we can ditch the cars. Sorry about the truck troubles but it did make for a very entertaining post....see, there's always a bright side. I love the room with all the jesus stuff and killer clock and that lamp, wow! Are your walls wood? Do you have my email address? I'll send it to you just in case.

  8. Wowee!! I don't think I have ever enjoyed a blog post as much as this one!!! You seriously crack me the F up! I think the way to deal with stress is to look for the comedy in a situation. That being said, my life is pretty damn funny!

    Those lamps of yours are invoking some serious lamp envy in me!! I have always loved those oil lamps. I'm so stoked yours works!

    Tell your papa that he's in for an avalanche of fan mail! Please email me his address!

  9. Christine! Was wondering how you wre doing and there you were commenting away on my post today like nobody's business!
    what a weekend you straight from hell I'd say. That should be it for you for a while at least....wouldn't you say.
    Now to the Jesus paintings you have! I 'painted' the one on the left when I was a kid. My Dad still has it! JC has a lamb in his arms, right?
    That lamp is very interesting.....fits right in that corner.
    Good to have you back kiddo.
    Would your Dad think it weird to get 'mail' from a guy? If so, I totally understand, remember my Dad is still alive too.

  10. did you do the book of blogs..Blog2print? or another method? Been thinking about doing something sometime.

  11. What a story, Chris! I hooted and hollered all the way through it. Okay, I was sympathetic, too. I always dread long trips I take by myself because I worry about car issues. But, I do believe you just had the all time road trip to hell and back. Bless you, Hon. On another note, I love the oil lamp! Those are so cool. I remember seeing one for the first time, and of course, I would be me if I didn't reach out and touch the thing. Yuck. Anyway, take care and drive safely. Hugs.

  12. Yep, you gotta love vee-hickles! This morning when I left to do errands, the gas gauge said I had half a tank. A couple of minutes later, the low fuel dinger went off, and the gauge said an eighth. So I was sweating bullets trying to get to a gas station. Something is seriously wrong with that gas gauge!
    You're so cute to start a fan club for your equally cute Dad! He must be pleased as punch!

  13. LOL! (Well, it's not really funny to be left stranded by two different cars, but I've been there!) Anyhoo, if the blown water pump was not somehow related to the dinging (ya never know...), have your hubby see if he can find which fuse controls it. We had the same problem with one of our cars (the "door open" chime would go on and on) and just yanked it right out of the fuse panel. Now it's just cold air and road noise that lets me know my door is ajar, no more idiot chime... ;)