Monday, May 24, 2010

The Finger Pointeth . . . But Wait! Not All Is As It Seems!!

Miz Chicken found little Melvin dead in the corn can yesterday.  Vintage Christine, in her guise as Sherrylock Holmes, conducted the following investigation:

As much as it pains me to present the following evidence, in the interest of justice, it must be done:
Original club poster:

Fact:
Cat highly upset upon subsequent removal as Melvin Fan Club President due to inflammatory statements regarding "tastiness" of victim.

Fact:
Dogs allege:  "He vowed revenge!"

Fact:
Did not sleep with human Saturday night.  Human cried, "But he NEVER sleeps with me, the goddamn unappreciative cat!  But that doesn't mean he KILLED him!!"

Fact:
Vintage model Ford Fairlane found Sunday evening with missing back tire and hundreds of additional miles on the teeny tiny odometer.


Fact:
Ford Fairlane similar to above vehicle seen at bank ATM window.  Security camera unable to determine sex, race or breed of driver.

Fact:
Similar Ford Fairlane seen one hour later behind drugstore.  Police were called when owner arrived Monday morning to discover all cat toys missing.  Morphine, Oxycontin and other drugs untouched.  One can of cashews missing, as well.

More details:
When presented with evidence, the cat said, "Now, does THIS look like a chicken killer.  Can't you see I'm upset about this?"  It was determined that the cat was genuinely remorseful, which struck the interviewing detective as odd.

Later, this trailer was found parked in the woods.  When the cat was questioned, he broke down and sobbed, "I'd just purchased this trailer--it was to be a love nest for Melvin and me.  Yes, I know it was forbidden love but we couldn't help it!  Please--leave me alone with my memories . . ."

It was later discovered that, in a fit of jealousy and misplaced loyalty, Lance the Squirrel had murdered Melvin.  "I loved him and he was going to run away with that horrible cat," he said.  "I couldn't let him do that.  What would the neighbors have thought of the Miz Chicken family?"  In an elaborate scheme to frame the cat, Lance had murdered Melvin, tossed his little carcass in the corn can, gone to Mississippi, stolen the Ford Fairlane and the cat's ATM card, emptied his bank account, robbed the drug store, drove BACK to Mississippi and dumped the car.  Then he scampered back to North Carolina and ate the cashews he had stolen from the drugstore until he was too full to run from the coppers.

Case closed.  Trial is pending.

10 comments:

  1. ....GIVE THAT SQUIRREL THE CHAIR!!!!!

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  2. I'm with Mick!!! No mercy on the squirrel!

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  3. I TOLD Anna you'd do a murder investigation!!! I knew it was the squirrel!!

    Are you going to put a black band on the fan club sign so we can mourn properly?

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  4. He is innocent! It was a confession under duress!

    Attica! Attica!

    ha ha ha....

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  5. You are so damn funny! I know I should still be grieving, but laughing is the best way I know to recover. I'm sure Melvin would appreciate all of the comedy/drama over his death. Since you have all the props, let's talk to Mick to see who should play the parts of Melvin, Boo, Lance and the dogs. Hey, I didn't know until now that Melvin was gay!

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  6. I never did trust squirrels!

    Liz

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  7. Cast in order of appearance....

    Melvin: Kevin Costner.
    Boo: Tommy Lee Jones.
    Lance: Richard Simmions/ Neil Patrick Harris.
    Dogs: Sandra Bullock,or Reese Witherspoon, with Jude Law (I think secretly one of your dogs barks with a british accent)

    Better keep this 'picture' top secret, I hear Paramount is getting desperate these days!

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  8. Oh Gogie I love you so much! Thank you for this! Made me smile!

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  9. Hi Christine! Just wanted to come back and let you know that I hope your dad does well. I know it is hard to watch them struggle. My dad died from pancreatic cancer at Thanksgiving, he wasn't in any pain until his heart started arythmia the night before he passed. We were so blessed that he went peacefully. He was strong until the end. BTW, my sister's name is Christine! How cool is that?!

    Liz

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